Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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