I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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