I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
