I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
