and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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