Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
