What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
