I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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