Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
