When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
