I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
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You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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