I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Threesome in a minivan. New low
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
