2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
