I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
