I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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