if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
