Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
