i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
