I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
