i jhust puked up my retainher.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
