she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
