The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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