don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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