I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
this boner is exhausting
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
