just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
