dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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