i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
