man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
