This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
