You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW