I wish my penis had an off switch
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
