I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
