I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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