Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
