my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
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Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Your cock deserves a montage
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
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I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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