I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I take back everything I said about communal showers
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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