have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
