i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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