So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
