Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
