i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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