I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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