tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
