It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
