just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
