dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
