wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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