Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
