Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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