I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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