you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
