I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
