I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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