just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Ketchup is God's man juice
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
