I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
