PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
