My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
