She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
